Grief

This post is a little depressing. For that, I apologize. This post is about death. The liveliest of topics, I know. Terrible joke. Just trying to make you smile before I make you sad. I'm not writing this post today for any pity. We all experience death in our lives. I'm just writing about things that I know and my personal experiences. If you don't want to be bummed out today, go ahead and skip this post and I'll see you on the next one. If you don't mind reading a little about my experience with death, please read on.

I will touch on three different deaths that I've dealt with in the last couple of years.

I lost my mom on April 22nd, 2014. Losing my mom gave me my first real taste of loss. I had dealt with plenty of death and loss in my life, however, losing the person who gave me life left me feeling lost and extremely angry. I had a very difficult relationship with my mother. Plenty of drama. So many tears. Words that couldn't be taken back. To say our relationship was toxic is probably an understatement. Our relationship being this way made people watch my every move. I always felt like I was under a microscope and being judged for every single move I made. Like I wasn't allowed to be upset that my mother was dying because, at that time, she and I were not talking. For a while I tried to keep my grieving to myself and the people closest to me, who I knew weren't judging me for the way I felt. Even to this day, I can't exactly put into words how I was feeling at that time.

My poor brother got the worst of me during that terrible time. We both lost our mom. However, I was the one calling my brother crying, hammered drunk. Multiple times a week. Disrupting his life, not giving one thought to how he was feeling. I was using alcohol to help me deal with the loss of my mom. I was working in a bar and surrounded myself with people who partied a lot. They partied hard. Even when I wasn't hanging out and partying with those people, I was drinking. I'd get drunk in my room alone and call Dylan. It all got to be too much and I had to take a step back and accept that I was abusing alcohol and needed to get control before I lost it completely.

It's been almost 5 years since we lost our mom. I'm glad to say that I no longer use alcohol to deal with the death of her. I bet my brother is even more happy about that!

For substance abuse help: 866-629-1551

Fast Forward a bit....

2018 was a rough year for my family. The year started off with my grandpa (Papa) getting a diagnosis that would change all of our lives. Very quickly after that diagnosis my Papa's health started to deteriorate. It was hard to see this strong, stubborn man like this. 7 weeks after his diagnosis, we lost him. I can't say this took us by shock, we knew it was inevitably going to happen. However, we thought, or at least I thought, we had more time. My heart broke. It broke not only because I was going to miss him, but it broke for my dad, aunts and my Nana. This was the first time my dad and aunts had lost a parent and they were all extremely close with both of them.

It was especially hard to watch my Nana grieve my Papa. They were married for over 50 years and he was all she knew. I cant even fathom what it would be like to experience that kind of loss. The loss of him immediately took an immediate toll on her. In October she had a fall and everything went down hill from there. She had a break in her vertebrae from the fall. Then came pneumonia, twice. I believed she had given up at that point. She was in and out of the hospital a couple of times in October. We ended up losing her 5 days after Thanksgiving. I truly believe she died of a broken heart. I don't even know if that is a real thing, but I am a firm believer in it. Both of my grandparents meant so much to me. I could go on forever why that was, but I won't bore you with that.

Death takes it's toll on everyone and in different ways. Remember to reach out and talk to someone if you're having a hard time.

If you or someone you know is dealing with grief, here's a number to call for free help.

Grief Support: 1-650-321-5272

And if you or that person are dealing with depression or suicide, please use these numbers.

Depression Hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-784-8433